Time and Light Switches

Change is a funny thing. No matter how small, it can take me weeks to accept. Sometimes I’m lucky and it’ll happen fast. I got a hair cut and it has weirder me out for days. It’s a choice I made and am happy with, but I find my reflection has been changed a great deal. Maybe a heart change can with it, because I feel different.   It’s possible I’m simply being dramatic. However, I’m not so sure. You see because I have never felt comfortable in my skin and then Monday came. I hit a new depth of self love and it is so much more than unsettling. This insecurity is new to me and makes little sense.  See because one day God spoke to me and said “You are not the maker of your body, therefor you are at no fault for its appearance nor do you have the right to hate it.” I’ve held onto that for a long time because I’ve yet to come across greater truth.  My life has always been filled with rapid change. I had never liked it but in this season I’ve had to own that if I want chan...

There are flowers growing on my soul. Roots are wrapping around my mind and boring into my bones.   Beautiful and destructive, enchanting and distracting, romantic and frustrating.   So romantic these flowers of mine. Mine that were once his. A gift.  There is bark forming on my skin. Moss slowing encasing all the important parts.  Sad and slow, peaceful and chaotic, grey and bursting with colour.  Oh this bark that grows, it protects me, and alienates me.  There are stones crawling up my legs. Caves hollowing out my ankles and filling with glowing crystals. Strong and breakable, sturdy and shakeable, immovable and dancing.  The stones come to me.  No searching needed. Ready and waiting. There is sea water filling my lungs.  It followed me from the ocean because it saw a home in me. Fresh and sickly, constricting and liberating, connecting and separating.  My lungs have come to love, love the sea they now hold, ...

The day I met grace is a day I will not forget in a hurry. I thought grace would have been dressed ready to preform at the ballet. Instead she looked like a warm hug, one I was scared to embrace.   The day I met hope was the day I was born. Hope was a teddy bear given to me to have and hold for all my days. Sometimes hope got left at home but I’d always come back to find my teddy once again.  The day I met faith is one I don’t remember. He was an imaginary friend who simply showed up one day. Ready and waiting for me to give him a name. He never left even when I grew to no longer see him.  The day I met honesty was a day full of hurt. She was a new friend but not a cuddly one. Honesty taught me many things and many I didn’t want to know. Honesty is a good friend but one that is hard to have.  The day I met love I didn’t know his name. It took years to lean his name and there were times I thought he left me. Love is eternal and yet so full of mystery. Love ...

Life is messy. And life with people is messier. Feelings get hurt and emotions get in the way. There is no simple black and white, only a vast expanse of grey in which family is lived.   There is no nice way to put it, family is hard.  I’ve been told, hurt people hurt people. Whether intentional or unintentional. I’ve come to know this as true. When you look at a person who has done you great wrong and all you can see is that they are hurting, what do you do? What do you do when that’s the only answer you have? That they’re hurting. It’s not an excuse just a reality. What do you do?  The compassion I have makes me feel a little crazy. Even after all this time and all this pain I still want the best for those who have hurt me. It sounds crazy but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s a strength to be able to still love and maybe its okay to be effected.  Pain is a funny thing. You can let it rule you or you can give it space to breathe. Pain begets pain when n...