Time and Light Switches

I always cry at weddings, more specially I cry after weddings, when the car is pulling away and that’s the last you see of them. I cry after weddings. Something about the ending and finality and changing, it gets to me. This time wasn’t any different, not really but a little. I cried the day after the wedding this time.   My childhood friend was married over the weekend and I had the honour of standing with her on her day. I’ve known this girl my whole life and its bitter sweet to see her married, so sweet because I’m happy for her and bitter because the changing. I just do not like change and don’t always handle it well. The bitter part is all me.  Childhood friends are like living breathing pieces of you heart walking around.  I don’t handle change well, at least I can only handle it well for so long, I’m human after all. Positive change included, and it’s not really a bitterness, it just the grief of leaving things differently. I cry on my birthday. Just about ev...

Nostalgia is personified in the old friends you re-meet, old friends tackling adult milestones. It’s enough to give a girl whiplash. It doesn’t feel quite real, it won’t feel real till the flip side after distance is reestablished.   Nostalgia is a liar, people are oh so the same and oh so different, it hurts the heart to see the new scares ripped across their skin from the dark they survived. None of us leave here unscathed, to be overdramatic. I love these people and it hasn’t changed a bit, the way that gets expressed and how that looks is extremely different.  Trying to keep these stories to myself, where’s the line between talking about my life and those of the ones I love?  If I told you I see you would you call me a liar?  If I told you the truth would you accept it?  If I told you I love you would you believe me?  I saw this coming a mile away and still I’ll sit here. Nostalgia is such a liar and I couldn’t be angrier that I fell into...

“You can never go back,” it felt like a slap in the face, like a fate I was doomed to endure. “You can go as far as you like, but whatever you do you can never go back.” It sounded like an insult, like a curse or attack on my character, like a personal statement meant to kick me while I was down.   Now at 22 and having read it 12 times over I can see, it was never meant to hurt me, it was a truth I wasn’t able to see, wasn’t ready to reckon in. “You can never go back,” it wasn’t curse telling me I could never return, it was telling me I couldn’t go back . It will never be 2005 again and the summer won’t feel like that again, but I could still return to that state, that country, that house, but it will never be back again.  My life can be divided into two sections, there was before I moved and there is after. I can never go back there, it will never be the same, look the same, or feel the same. Even while I try to explain it still feels like an insult, but it’s just the re...

Time is running away from me, I’ve got four days really till I embark on yet another solo flying adventure. I’m off to visit a friend and attend a wedding. My routine is all out of whack, it’s been interrupted for weeks now by my trying and failing to get ready for said trip. But that’s the beautiful part of life, some things are out of my control and I get to roll with the changes. I’ve been fighting procrastination and anxiety like a warlord, I’ve lost some and won some.   I don’t really like flying all that much, I’d take a train if I could, it hurts my ears and makes my stomach flip. But I love my friend so I’ll endure the two flights there and two flights back, as a love letter written through action.  I took a longer than expected break from writing my book and were in not for my impending trip I would have started back up again days ago. I’ve hit the point of rest where I feel ready and excited to get back into the story and revisit my beloved characters. I miss my ...

Creative Constipation, is a term I like to use to descried when the flow of creativity is impaired or block altogether. It’s a broader term for writers block, which only applies to writing, but it’s like that for whatever artistic discipline you practice. Saying creative constipation often catches peoples attention, and also gives them a chuckle, but I’m being quite serious when I use the term.   I’m a firm believer in the idea that everyone has the capacity and ability for creativity, no such thing a non-creative person. However I think lots, if not most people, walk around creatively constipated because they are not active in a creative outlet or they haven’t known one that spoke to them.  There are plenty of people in my own personal circle that I can think of off the top of my head who this applies to, they aren’t your typical creative type so they haven’t had a consistent creative outlet. I’ve seen the negative side effects of creative constipation in my own creative ...