Time and Light Switches

Birthdays. The days we mark as new beginnings. The days of celebrations and congratulations. The only day of the year that it is truly acceptable to be self centred. Birthdays insight reflections and bouts of nostalgia.  Over the years birthdays were marked with tea parties and princess dresses. Now they are marked with fruit loops and time spent with those I love.  At two decades old the day of my birth has now become something of a strange feeling. I finally feel like I can sit with the big kids and yet I feel so young all the same.  If you know some of my story you’d be less than surprised to hear that my birthday makes me feel weird and introspective. I am always surprised to discover that I am in-fact here and was allowed to make it this far.  This year wasn’t much different. Only that I was happy to laugh at my dramatic emotions. I was happy to feel strange and out of place. Where in the past I would sit in my unhappy lack of understanding. This year h...

I could make a home here.  Here where the wind makes an ocean out of the grass, where the trees applaud  and the wind does all the talking. Here I could find peace, I could learn to be love  and learn to be ok. Here is where the flowers dance  and the dragonflies sing,  it is here that the bees slumber.  Here where the rocks learn to trust  and the ground is at peace, where the air is alive. Here is where I’d like to live, it is here that I would like to make a home,  here is where I’d like to stay awhile. 

Weather has a peculiar way of speaking. And nature only designs to be heard by those who listen. The ones who truly listen. The world and its inhabitants are always in an ever present state of communication. If you never stop and smell the roses how will you know when it is time to rest? Rainbows only appear in the midst of a collision of storm and sun. Light and dark are both required to call forth a rainbow. It is the most beautiful of collisions. Rainbows mean something to most cultures and religions. To some it’s pride and some it’s a promise. Someone somewhere must have gotten it right.  The trees are sometimes just like people. They appear stoic and immovable. But they are all too living and in ways you’d never imagine. They often whisper to the wind and the wind will howl back giving away all the trees secrets. The trees are long living and most will be here when people are nothing more than dust. The trees will keep on living, continuing to praise their creator.  The w...

I have never been good at goodbyes; no matter how many I’ve had. Endings have always hurt more than they should and have more often than not left me feeling empty.  But this time, this time was different.  It didn’t feel like an ending, it felt like a conclusion, a wrapping up to a beautiful story. No tearful goodbye was had, a simple see you tomorrow. It was an epilogue that left me feeling satisfied and ready for the next journey. This chapter that came to a close was meant to close. It was not meant to go on forever, it was meant to be hard and rewarding and so much more. It meant more than words can ever convey.  I will always remember the time I jumped without looking down. And just enjoyed the fall. There was no great impact that shook the earth, just a landing of feet and a whisper of the wind.  It was never about a pursuit of the answers to the universe. It was always about getting to know love the person and the people I got to love along the way. Those peop...

Today love looked a bit different.  Yesterday love looked like taking the time to be okay before following through on a commitment. The day before that love looked like washing my face, brushing my teeth, and putting my makeup on.  Today love looked like letting the emotions be as they may; regardless of how they got there. Love looked like letting joy explode onto my face. Today love was letting the tears fall, the way rain falls after a long wait.  My mother once said that tears water and soften the ground. So I let the tears fall in droves and soften the ground. Let them make way for planting time. I do not know what I will plant but my ground will be more than ready when the time comes. Today love looked like looking back on yesterday and being okay with how I got here. Love looked like missing my dear friends and letting it hurt the way it should.  It might not sound like love to some but I can tell you this, missing people hurts more when you don’t let it happe...

I have become reacquainted with the 2am nights. In this unchosen time of silence and solitude I’ve been left to my thoughts and emotions like the wolves. I didn’t choose this path it was given to all of us as our only real option.  The tides have shifted and we the introverts are freezing. Those of us that have learned to love people and being in their company felt such a great reprieve in this time. And now there is a capacity that once was that has been lost.  Once again being surrounded by people no matter how dearly I love them drains my energy the way paper is eaten by fire. There is the part of my soul that could live in solitude for all eternity that is very much so at the surface. The part that longs for the company of others can hardly be heard over the shouting of my lone heart.  It’s not for a lack of love for people. There is a great sadness caused by the inability to be with the ones I love. It pains me to be pained by their presence. I long to be with people...

I long to go and scream in charcoal and bleed in ink. I ache to be awash and adrift in my own creativity. It feels more like a desert these days. If only my hands were a mess and my mind in balance. I am a tempest of contradictions and conflicts.   I’m drowning in my need to be loved and yet I am not scared of anything more than being loved. I want it to be easy. I am running from the pain before it can become manifested. And in that I am in pain. For I am not in love and have never been. Yet I wish so strongly for something I do not understand.  I miss something I’ve never had and someone I’ve never known. It paints me to be mad and raving. I’m simply someone in love with the idea of being in love.  The part of me that loves is very good friends with the part that creates. They are different sides to the same coin. There are times where they contradict each other greatly and days where they are one in the same. They are the driving force of all I do; when one gets t...