Will You Come To The End?

Coming to the end of ones self is seldom an easy or enjoyable experience. I often arrive there weeping and maybe even a little bloody. That place at the end of myself is many times the place where I am most willing to be taught. I’ve set up camp only but a few miles from there. I have yet to discover if the close proximity creates excuse to break down or if it creates permission to break.

There are times where I am lead to that place so I might recognize God. But there are instances where I have willing walked into mine own pain just to see if it still felt the same. For pain and I have a deeply trouble past and pain is the closest I’ve come to addiction in this life. 


The place at the end of myself is stuck in a time darker than dusk and yet not brighter than dawn. It is somewhere between fog and smoke and doesn’t quite smell right. Maybe it’s the tears, maybe it’s the blood but it never looks quite the same the next time around. 


There is another occurrence I have happened upon. In which I am at that place at the end of myself and someone or something shoves me into a corner. Or maybe it is more past the end of myself in uncharted territory. The uncharted region is not one of safety and not one of security. 


That uncharted place is often the place that holds the new answers to the old question you’ve been asking. It does not appear to be without risk and perhaps it is only risk. One can only hope to know. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

september 1st

September 1st, its the beginning of things. It’s the beginning of the end of the year. At least in my head September has always felt like the beginning of the end. I’m happy to know that the sweltering heat is nearly past and its almost sweater time. I like the fall, mostly because it feels like the rest before the rest, it feels like the closest to what my heart looks like, but partly I like the fall because I like the word falling.   This week I did what I could, which doesn’t look like much but I ate well and washed my face often and I tried.  I got back into the studio yesterday and was immediately overwhelmed. To start with my work space was a mess, as it has been for months, and finally yesterday was the day I couldn’t take it anymore and tidied up the table that serves as my workstation. It was probably 20 minutes of finding homes for things and trying to remember how I had had it organized in the first place. But it was 20 minutes well spent, because at end not eve...
Read more

Learning

Over the years I’ve learned many things about myself and how I function. For example: if I need to force myself to wash my face I put on make up, because I figured out that the need to not sleep in my make up supersedes my laziness. I’ve discover lots of what I call hacks in my own functioning. As I’ve written about before I grew up struggling with depression, so one of my biggest challenges, even when I don’t feel depressed, is to get motivated. So I’ve found some of my own personal quirks that I can almost trick myself into doing the healthy things instead of relying completely on motivation. This is also true when it comes to my art.   I’ve learned that I can’t sit in my studio for hours on end, the most productive and best work is done in the first and second hour. Anything more and I start to get too into my head. I also need to have somewhat of a plan before I even walk down the stairs. Otherwise I get overwhelmed just looking at all that I could do, or I start random proje...
Read more

Almost There

Nowadays it is the norm to go to collage or university even when you don’t know what you want to do. It’s preached go to school and figure it out while you’re there. It’s taught that your job is your life and it is all you really ought to try to achieve. Even as young as 14 this didn't sit right with me, I always dodged the questions. What do you want to be, what school do you want to go to, what would you like to do with your life. Because I learned from a young age that artist wasn’t the answer that they were looking for.   I learned to fly under the radar because I knew my dream would be easily crushed, but I am stubborn. So I did my best in school and then I made my great escape. Now almost five years later I am about 3 steps away from achieving what I set out to do.  I have about three things felt to do and then I will not just be an artist who makes things frequently, I will be one who sells these things too. I have an 8 painting series ready to be sold, and that is...
Read more