Time and Light Switches

  I have spent much of the last few weeks in the company of my youngest cousin. She is 20 years younger than I and she is very dear to my heart, the same as her sister. She is a true miracle and no one who lays eyes on her can deny it. Her being but a baby it has sparked a few wonderings of the human heart and how it ages. One of the first things to jump out at me has been her relentless tasting of the world. Which is to say she licks and kisses everything she can get her mouth on. From what I know this is true for most if not all babies. They bite and lick and taste any and everything. And it occurred to me one day while I watched her giving a particularly slobbery kiss that there was a simply intimacy there. An intimacy known down deep in the core of humanness that the mouth is more than it seems. She often puts a finger to my lips wanting to look in my mouth. Written in words it seems silly but it’s as if she’s looking for where the words come from. Another thought that has ...

  The phase ‘my heart skipped a beat’ is wildly unrealistic. I read once that if your heart were to ever really skip a beat something was seriously wrong and you could die. A heart skipping in reality isn’t some beautiful romantic sentiment, it’s tragic. The idea that you could love someone so much that you heart could’t handle it isn’t beautiful, it’s sad and maybe a little too close to sacrifice. I also have read that heart strings are real strings in your heart that can in fact break; You know like the saying ‘tugging on my heart strings.’ It also said that extreme emotion could snap the strings and it would kill a person. Once again it’s not beautiful it’s tragic. I don’t know if any of this is scientifically true, it’s been years since I happened upon this information. Even if I went back to try and find the study’s I read I wouldn’t know where to look. It’s funny, in a way that isn’t funny, that we equate dysfunctions of the heart to love. Even if both of those things are on...

  A bomb was thrown at me and hit right in the centre of my chest. There is fire and gravy and confetti all over the wind strewn catacombs of my heart. Because ‘what cannot be said will be wept,’ and my eyes refuse to dry. I’m not alright. All I ever wanted for the last three years was to leave this war torn heavy place far in my rear-view, so why does it hurt so much to say goodbye? I’m not even gone yet and my heart refuses to stay where I can see it. It’s off far away and ready to begin anew.   But we’re still here, still here in this place that’s the home I’ve known the longest and yet has never felt like home. And yet only in these last few weeks has this felt real, has it felt like maybe this has been home longer than I thought.  And I made this choice,  it was to stay or to go and I said go. And here I am, ready and waiting to leave, but my heart has been saying goodbye for over a month and I just want it to be over. I’m done, I’m ready to be gone, but this ...

  I’ve wrote and wrote and wrote, and the same three things keep bleeding out of my heart. And truly it’s all the same, it all runs together into one great big cry that my small broken heart can’t hope to contain. “There has to be more than this, but it all feels so small, and I don’t know if I have the strength.” It’s the ugly honest truth that keeps falling out my of mouth and I don’t think I can keep it locked up anymore. I’m not perfect and I’m not altogether and I’m not all healed. I’m still broken and I’m still not sure where I’m meant to be and I really don’t know what I’m doing. The only bit of certainty I have left is that I can’t help but be honest and I wouldn’t want to be anything less. I’ve written this six times over, each one more raw than the last, and I couldn’t bring myself to truly show you my heart until now. If I can’t be honest than there is no point, and maybe that’s too big for some and maybe that’s too final for others, but that’s just my creed. It doesn’t ...

  as luck would have it i’m not there with you i’m here and away and i just want to be held as luck would have it you are far from here and i all i want is to see you face as luck would have it  i can’t see the future  at least not all and i just want to see as luck would have it  i’m not sure where i’m  going, its awful  dark, and full of twists  as luck would have it i’m not where i wish to be far from it indeed i just need to be as luck would have it i don’t understand  all i need and all i ought to do as luck would have it  this is far from the end i have much to do  and much to see  as luck would have it  the dark will not win it just looks like it and i am full of hope as luck would have it we are lucky luck is not in-charge and we are free and we are free as love would have it  we are loved  and we are safe  and we are held