ugly honest

 I’ve wrote and wrote and wrote, and the same three things keep bleeding out of my heart. And truly it’s all the same, it all runs together into one great big cry that my small broken heart can’t hope to contain. “There has to be more than this, but it all feels so small, and I don’t know if I have the strength.” It’s the ugly honest truth that keeps falling out my of mouth and I don’t think I can keep it locked up anymore. I’m not perfect and I’m not altogether and I’m not all healed. I’m still broken and I’m still not sure where I’m meant to be and I really don’t know what I’m doing. The only bit of certainty I have left is that I can’t help but be honest and I wouldn’t want to be anything less. I’ve written this six times over, each one more raw than the last, and I couldn’t bring myself to truly show you my heart until now. If I can’t be honest than there is no point, and maybe that’s too big for some and maybe that’s too final for others, but that’s just my creed. It doesn’t have to be anyones else’s just my own. It’s personal, I know we’re that told time and time again not to take things personally. I find this to be an oversight, take it personal, it shows you were paying attention. And maybe I’m wrong, I often am, but I’d rather it be undeniably evident that I cared than to be seen as aloof and uncaring. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and its the place that emptiness lives. I refuse to be just another person who lived to survive and not to live. I’ve demanded something of this life and its been more than reluctant gave way to my will. But dam it I’m gonna try because if all we were meant to do was sit here and suffer the end would’ve been long over due. And yet here we all stand, and sit, waiting for the ax of eternity to drop. This isn’t the end, and I’m not one to give up, just one to think of it endlessly. All this really is is just one long stream of conciseness I just wasn’t strong enough to ignore. But I was strong enough to let it have its way with me, let the words bend themselves into some semblance of a feeling. This isn’t some exercise in being loud, its an exercise in being honest even when it hurts, even when its the kind of honesty that makes people squirm. I can’t help it, I have nothing else to say. It’s too big to ignore any longer and it’s too small for me to carry alone. I know this is hard to read and if you made it this far I thank you, you can tell everyone I said so. Don’t let this pass you bye, there’s more than this I promise, it just may take a long while to get there. I promise the weight is worth it.