The Hope in Grief

I wanted to sit here and write to tell you all about the lonely things that have yet to happen, the exciting change and trip I’m about to embark on. But it hasn’t happened yet and I’m not quite there. I think I’m still in the anger stage of grief and that makes for some very honest writing. 

The last two years have taught me countless things about grief. I learned grief doesn’t like to stay in its lane, it doesn’t really care if its an appropriate reaction or time. Grief has a mind of its own and will appear when it sees fit. It only designs to leave when you have given it time and space and even then I’m not really sure it does leave. I think it finds a dark corner to hide in and will jump out again when the need arrives. I’ve learned that grief doesn’t only appear when someone dies.

I think grief is more like a river than like a mountain. It doesn’t stand resolute it ebbs and flows and occasionally a storm comes along and floods the banks. It isn’t some rock to chip away at, it’s the water you wait to flow away. 

I’m in this silly little anger stage where I can’t help but notice all the times I didn’t stand up for myself and wish I had. I’m a soft one and only want the best and believe the best of people, so being angry isn’t something I’m good at. But all I can see are all the places I should have stood on a chair and screamed enough. I should have said, “I’m done, I’m walking out that door and you won’t see me again if this doesn’t change.” 

I hit a new high level of self love that involves telling people when they hurt my feelings, when they hurt me. And it’s not comfortable, it sucks because somehow I got it in my head that if I tell them they hurt me and that hurts them, that it’s my fault for bringing it up. What utter nonsense. If someone hurts your feelings and knowing that hurts them, that’s their problem. I don’t know how I got that so wrong. 

I’ve learn that grief isn’t a monster lurking ready to take me out at the knees. It will do just that if you ignore its presence though. Emotions and feelings are owed very little, but they are owed their right to existence. So if your soul is laid heavy with grief just let it in a little, the only way out is through and you have to feel it to let it go. Grief was made to be let go. So let the grief go from you knuckle white grip and let joy come live in that space. 

I know I’m young, and I have a lot to learn about a lot of things, but I’m trying. I believe that’s the part that really counts, that I’m trying and that will be enough. There is this glimmer of hope I’ve found in my grief. It’s this knowing that it has to end sometime, that grief isn’t infinite. That in the end it’s all gonna be okay. And if it’s not okay then it’s not the end.