Hard Work - The Creative Process pt. 5

 In the opening paragraph of last weeks post I said I didn’t want to give advise that I myself didn’t take, so this week I went back to painting. It was scary and I had to just do it without thinking too hard about it, or else I would’ve continued to run from it. I was having an off day and it occurred to me that in order to authentically talk about the creative process I needed to be active in my own creative process. So I went back to painting before I could talk myself out of it. 


I’ve been working on a series of skyscape paintings since last fall, like land scapes but all the focus is on the sky. And it’s been a slow process. The inspiration came from a painting that I had done as a senior art project in high school. Basically I wanted to take the original painting and extrapolate from it. But everything seems to keep getting in my way of actually finishing any of the paintings. First regular old self doubt, then an extended 3 month trip to the USA, then poor mental health. Just one thing after another. That’s where perseverance comes in handy.


When I started this series of paintings I was super excited and inspired and just ready to go after it. But when I got back home and was able to put in the time I hit a road block. There was a lot going on in the beginning of the year that contributed to my poor mental health but ultimately my mental health is my responsibility and I hadn’t been taking care of myself. The road block that I hit, was that every time I would sit down to paint or draw or do really any creative thing I would get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Every time I tried to get to work I would end up in an anxiety spiral and end up feeling physically sick. 


It was frustrating and infuriating, why was the thing that used to give me solace now the cause of stress and discomfort? It took me weeks to work up the courage to really ask myself the hard questions. It sucked to really sit there and ask myself if I could do it, if I could keep going keep painting, or if that was the end and I needed to quit. And I found that I was more unsettled by the idea of quitting than I was of doing the hard work. 


The hard work being working through feeling like a fraud, working on thinking I’m not good enough no matter how hard I try, working to believing in myself. None of it is easy. It all kind of sucks, but I would be abandoning myself if I were to quit painting just because it got hard. 


And that’s probably one of the strangest parts. I have the skill and the knowledge to paint, yet I still end up feeling like fraud. I had started to encounter this feeling when I got caught up in comparing my art to others, around the same time I left home for the first time at 18. I had started to feel inadequate but didn’t dive to deep into why. Now at 21 I see no other solution but to deal with why I feel that way and deal with it all the way. 


I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s okay for it to get hard and its even okay to take a break, it’s just not okay to quit. Taking a break often feels like quitting to me, but I’m learning that rest is important and sometimes I need to force myself to rest. So it’s okay to take a break, it’s essential even, just remember to come back. 

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