Sometimes Take Two is Best

 In the 245 words that make up my first attempt at this weeks blog post it all amounts to nothing but a pity party. I had paused to start a Canva to go along with the blog post and when I came back I saw that I hadn’t written with much substance, it was complaining and self pity. Now it was well written complaining and the root of it was completely valid and came from a real struggle but it was complaining non-the-less. 


So I made myself go and change my mindset. I went to my art studio and I did the finishing/small details on a painting that was giving my problems. And as I was painting I decided something. The painting in question would not be put up for sale. And it wasn’t because I loved it too much to part with it, no quite the opposite. It had too many flaws and too many areas to fix, I would have to redo the entirety of it if I wanted to sell it. It isn’t an excellent painting. 


I was trying to take this and translate it onto a much smaller canvas.



At this point I’ve done and completed four and a half painting of this size and style, so I’ve got the technique just about done. I thought that translating the technique over to a smaller canvas wouldn’t be a big deal. However I was greatly mistaken. 


The smaller painting turned into something of a nightmare of my own creation. I’m not entirely sure how to articulate what about it was so difficult and taxing. Something about the scale and lack of smooth blending. But it came to the point that I knew that it wasn’t a piece I could ever confidently sell or sign my name to. So I changed how I thought about it. I stopped looking at as something to sell and stamp as finished and started looking at it a piece to learn from. 



It isn’t a bad painting necessarily, but it is far from my best. And that’s okay. I’d gotten very caught up in my own emotional swirl and the fear that I was running out of time and needed to catch up. I don’t have any deadlines currently so my fear is mostly misplaced. So it is okay that this painting didn’t turn out and it is okay that I’ll have to try again. 


After coming to this conclusion I felt the pressure come off my back. I am my own worst critic and harder on myself than is ever warranted. So sometimes it can take awhile for me to realize that the world isn’t sitting on my shoulders, its just the weight of my own expectations. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

september 1st

September 1st, its the beginning of things. It’s the beginning of the end of the year. At least in my head September has always felt like the beginning of the end. I’m happy to know that the sweltering heat is nearly past and its almost sweater time. I like the fall, mostly because it feels like the rest before the rest, it feels like the closest to what my heart looks like, but partly I like the fall because I like the word falling.   This week I did what I could, which doesn’t look like much but I ate well and washed my face often and I tried.  I got back into the studio yesterday and was immediately overwhelmed. To start with my work space was a mess, as it has been for months, and finally yesterday was the day I couldn’t take it anymore and tidied up the table that serves as my workstation. It was probably 20 minutes of finding homes for things and trying to remember how I had had it organized in the first place. But it was 20 minutes well spent, because at end not eve...
Read more

Learning

Over the years I’ve learned many things about myself and how I function. For example: if I need to force myself to wash my face I put on make up, because I figured out that the need to not sleep in my make up supersedes my laziness. I’ve discover lots of what I call hacks in my own functioning. As I’ve written about before I grew up struggling with depression, so one of my biggest challenges, even when I don’t feel depressed, is to get motivated. So I’ve found some of my own personal quirks that I can almost trick myself into doing the healthy things instead of relying completely on motivation. This is also true when it comes to my art.   I’ve learned that I can’t sit in my studio for hours on end, the most productive and best work is done in the first and second hour. Anything more and I start to get too into my head. I also need to have somewhat of a plan before I even walk down the stairs. Otherwise I get overwhelmed just looking at all that I could do, or I start random proje...
Read more

Almost There

Nowadays it is the norm to go to collage or university even when you don’t know what you want to do. It’s preached go to school and figure it out while you’re there. It’s taught that your job is your life and it is all you really ought to try to achieve. Even as young as 14 this didn't sit right with me, I always dodged the questions. What do you want to be, what school do you want to go to, what would you like to do with your life. Because I learned from a young age that artist wasn’t the answer that they were looking for.   I learned to fly under the radar because I knew my dream would be easily crushed, but I am stubborn. So I did my best in school and then I made my great escape. Now almost five years later I am about 3 steps away from achieving what I set out to do.  I have about three things felt to do and then I will not just be an artist who makes things frequently, I will be one who sells these things too. I have an 8 painting series ready to be sold, and that is...
Read more