To Be

I’ve found myself in yet another strange place. It is not full of complete hate but it isn’t full of love either. It is a necessity to be here and yet there is a distinct lack of motivation to continue to be here. 


Logically it makes complete sense and yet my heart feels so heavy to be forced to be somewhere it doesn’t think it needs to be. And I don’t think my heart is entirely wrong either. There is a fair bit of truth in not needing to be where I am. And still it is illogic to leave before it is over. 


I’ve written ‘to be’ six times, now seven, and if I’m being quite honest with you I think God is trying to say something. There’s the saying “I’m a human Being not a human Doing” and ‘to be’ reminds me of such. 


I remember praying on multiple occasions that I just wanted to do life with Him and that I didn’t feel the need to make a big spectacle of it all.  


This is it. This is being. It’s continuing and continuing and continuing. It is walking and trusting that God is with you always in all that you do, even if it doesn’t feel or seem like it’s for the kingdom. As long as my heart beats for Him and because of Him all that I do is for the kingdom. 


I was annoyed to be here before I even arrived. But it is a gift to be here. It is a gift that the only exception that is required of me is to keep walking and pay attention. 


“I just wanna with you!!” It’s a quote and a reference that only some people in my life will understand. It’s something I thought I understood. Now that I am here I am understanding it just bit more. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

waving goodbye, and hello

As the year comes to a quiet close, I can’t help but look back at it with satisfaction and mild perplexity. It was quite the year, a new lifetime low of loss, while meeting the greatest accomplishment yet.   I lost my grandfather this year, and I wrote 100,000 words onto my second novel. These things seem to parallel one another. The contrast of my year. I began the year waking in another country, in a different home, and now will celebrate it’s end in another. I moved across the continent and it has been a doozy of it’s own ups and downs.  I think getting older it like that. Where the middle ground seems easier to find, more comfortable to sit in. I’ve been a creature of extremities, black and white in thinking if you believe my father, but as I turn the chapter into the new year I think I’ve become at least a little more calm.  It was a year where so much happened it feels as though there is little to say about it, I was too busy living it. Whether chosen or not, ...
Read more

a date neatly noted

I never used to date my work. In school there was always a place for the date and seldom a day did I fill it in. It didn’t feel important at the time, didn’t seem to matter. Really I thought I’d never look back at my time as a student, elementary, middle, or high school. It just… didn’t seem to matter.   Before I moved this past time, in April, I had to go through ever piece of everything I own, or now owned. It was an arduous process, it took weeks and some things took months. It is not a process I long to repeat any time soon. While doing so I sorted through all my old school papers, seeing what I might like to keep and what I’d like to burn. Not only metaphorically I literally burnt the papers I didn’t keep. It was final, and even as I said good riddance I felt my heart ache. Not all my school journey was for my betterment, but not all of it was for my doom. It’s something I hold in tension to itself to this day.  In this searching and deciding I took notice of the fact...
Read more

shining

I got back into the grind of writing my book late last week, Thursday night to be specific. I had planned on starting back up on the Friday, or just straight up waiting for the start of the week to jump back in. But I was too excited when I thought about it, so I got back to it a little early.   I remember having resigned myself to staring again later, but on Thursday evening I looked over at my desk, my notes for the book staring back at me. After that it was all over, I could’t help myself. I was just too tempting.  It felt like coming home. Getting back into the story felt like home. A feeling I’ve always been chasing. It made me nervous after I realized it. I didn’t want that feeling to end, didn’t want to finish writing because then I’d have to do all the other parts of publishing a book. The parts I’ve been halfway avoiding for awhile now.  Having hit the climax before the climax of the book, where my two main characters finally meet and talk was positively exh...
Read more