i used to be in the choir

When I was around 9 years old I joined my elementary school choir. It’s something I often forget. Really I ought to not be so surprised seeing as though I’ve tried every form of art I could get my hands on. In the time I spent with the choir I learned how to properly breath when singing. Meaning, how to breath quickly and sharply so as to not impede the rhythm and sound of the song. 


I’ve carried that skill though life all the way to nearly 21 years old. It’s something that’s become less of a skill and more of a habit; and not just when singing. I breath fast, like someone will come along and snatch the air away if I don’t take my fill quickly. It’s not healthy.


I joined the choir because the few friends I had joined. I didn’t know what I was doing I was 9. Wasn’t even double digits, but man did I not want to be alone. So I joined the choir and I enjoyed my time there, it just didn’t have that pull of passion for me. But I stored that knowledge in the back with the dingy filing cabinets and left it alone for years. 


I was having a hard day for reasons I’ve already forgotten, but I realized how fast I was breathing. Breathing just enough so I could keep going, not enough to fill my lungs, just enough to keep talking. It struck me that this seemingly inconsequential little bit of teaching from over ten years ago had followed me around. Had haunted me and become twisted into this ugly form of self punishment. It wasn’t the choirs fault, or ever the teachers, it was this ugly little part of my head that found a new toy to beat me with. Like a bully.


I spent one year in the school choir and then never sung publicly again. Of course I still sing around the house and at church, when I can sing just quietly enough so my voice is indistinguishable. I don’t know when it happened, when I decided I was embarrassed of the sound of my own voice. But it happened and it stuck to me the way pollen sticks to trees; you can’t see it until it sticks to you too. 


Now to be clear I don’t regret joining the choir and I don’t regret leaning all that I did while I was there. What I regret is that I wasn’t there for the right reasons. I was only there because I was scared of being alone. And fair enough I was a 9 year old in a third school in three years, who could blame me for wanting to ‘fit in.’ I don’t blame anyone for the habit joining the choir fed in me. Maybe it never would have gotten as bad as it did and maybe it would’ve. 


I guess what I’m saying is that unless you’re paying attention you never know what motive or need or desire or fear your actions will be feeding. All I did was join a choir and it fed the anxious part of my mind. The consequences of some actions are not felt till many years later. Even though I’m only in my early twenties I’ve learned this in a not so comfortable way. 


I used to be in the choir. Anyone who has met me after age 14 would never know and would never even think to ask if I had once been in a choir. I don’t have the kind of voice you want to put in a bottle and save up, but its more than enough for speaking my mind and for telling people I love them. My voice is perfectly good for cooing to babies and is very good for telling the truth. I’ve more than made my peace with how my voice sounds. What I’m saying is that it’s less about the sound and more about the heart of it all. It's always more about the heart.

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