Processing the Process

 I went looking for inspiration in the backhanded alleys of forgotten words. Which is to say I went looking for inspiration in all my writing from the last few months. And what I found was good and it was real and it was raw. And upon reading them I remembered why I had left these words to collect dust. They were too raw, too real, too much of an insight into my life. And coming from me, someone who talks a great deal about the real parts of my life, that doesn’t make much sense. 

But there is much of what I said, much of what I wrote that I’m not quite willing to share with the world. The last few months have been incredible but they have not been without their hardships. And if you ask me all I will tell you is of the amazing redemption and restoration I have seen. But as I said it hasn’t all be wonderful and good times. As a result my writing reflects this. Because I don’t write all that much about the wonder and glory, I write to process and often times the hard things. 

A lot of the time these hard things I write about become immobilized in beautiful words and expression. It’s almost sad that I have to leave them behind, to wait for enough time to pass so no one will remember it was they who I was trying to process. Because I don’t want to hurt people, but the words I put to ordered resound with a beautiful melody. 

I will often go back to read my old writing and will then think to myself that I wish it wasn’t so raw because it’s so well written. Some of my best stuff really is written from a place of heartbreak or of disappointment or of anger. And often times I just can’t bring myself to let that kind of sadness out into the world. 

Someone once told me that intimacy is measured by the number of secrets you have with another person. At first it really bothered me because I didn’t understand what he meant, but lately I’ve come to know this to be true. So as much as I would love to share my beautifully put heartbreak, I won’t. For the sake of intimacy and building trust with myself. 

It has been a strange but inherently good journey these last few months and my home-bodied heart can’t wait to be home. I’ve got a bit left to go yet and I’m excited to see the rest of this amazing journey through.