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As my extended trip races towards its end I find myself mourning. Mourning for all that it has been and all that I must now return to. Now hear me, I am more hopeful for the future than I have ever known, but with change comes mourning. So this-morning I’ve sat weeping because nothing will ever be like this again. This day is all there is, tomorrow is surly different. I for one am not ready for the sun to set on me once again. 


What to do when your heart is pulled in two opposite directions, when the love flows both ways. It is no easy answer, nor black nor white, no right or wrong exists, it is simply love moving left and right. I’ve yet to see the solution to my predicament, only that I continue on and have hope. If that’s all there is I must cling to hope and let it wash me down the river. 


I’m not ready, yet I take the next step because that’s all there is. There’s no more waiting around. And yesterday that felt like sweet victory, felt like great revelation. And today… today came the mourning. That still I wasn’t ready for. And like God not calling the qualified, He didn’t call me because I was ready. I couldn’t tell you why He came calling only I answered when He did. I won’t regret it for as long as I shall live, and still the mourning remains. 


It is true that the only way out is through. Tears are no different, they are meant to be shed, and fall they have. 


C.S. Lewis says that a longing for home in ones own house is proof that we were made for something greater. It has taken much of my short life to find that this is true as well. Home is something that I will never quite be able to put my finger on. It has been ruined for me, both beautifully and tragically. Longing to go home has been the oldest cry of my heart, and it has yet to cease. 


On this day I know not what the next will bring, only that the sun will rise again and so shall I. I only know that I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I have much more yet to see, to do, to love. I did not make a New Years resolution and still I won’t, I’ll only try to love even more than the year past. That’s all there is to it, it’s all about love, it has been since the very beginning. 

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