What Faithfulness Looks Like

I awoke this morning with no desire to write. No desire to paint, no desire to do anything, not so much as exists. I would perhaps listen to music and maybe, just maybe, have a little dance in the kitchen. But that’s the thing about being an artist, being someone with too much creativity, you don’t get to take a break. I don’t get a break from whirling ideas and colours and landscapes and beautiful combinations of words. I only get a choice. 


Will I be a good steward, or will I let it all turn to rot.  


I am the steward of my creativity and of my life. And I have a choice everyday, to be faithful or to give up. It is not easy work and it often is not fun, but hear me on this, if you choose to be a good steward the reward is great. 


So today I thought to myself, what if I just stopped posting for my blog, what if I just quit. Because today I’m tired and cranky and upset, (upset meaning, sad angry frustrated hurt) and once again the world seems to be burning down around me. But I still have a choice, I can choose to make a decision based on the world and its failing or I can choose joy and peace and love and rest. 


The choice is not as easy as it looks. Because I honestly would have rather to stay in bed and forget I exist. But I’ve been here long in this process and stewardship and I knew what the right answers was. I knew what I would ultimately choose, but I had to allow the darkness to say its piece. Because I’m nothing if not a fighter and I wanted to give it a fair fight. 


I find on days such as these, where waking seems to be as hard as breathing and sitting and eating, that I must try my very best to have compassion for myself. To not beat myself up and spiral out of control. I do the small things first and see how far I can get. It’s not a day for goal but a day for understanding. 


That’s all I know to do. It’s all the wisdom I have today, to let the day be grey and try to drink some tea. Because I have known very little displeasure that couldn’t be at least helped by sitting with hot tea by a window. That is my stewardship today, that is what faithfulness looks like today. It looks like not abandoning myself when the road has turned rocky and looks a little too familiar. Faithfulness looks like having grace of the days that don’t feel victories. 

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