again again again

I left anger behind me, left it back in the hills of Colorado. I waded into relief and peace when I landed in Texas. It felt awkward and uncomfortable, like I wasn’t allowed to be okay. And then the tears came back, came back and teared a hole in my heart. Because the sadness had to get out somehow, and leaving my friend again hurt too much. 


Because grief is a wild beast and makes no plans to be tamed. When I rolled across the border something in me snapped, and fell into sight. Because I was lonely again, was alone again. And coming home didn’t feel like home is felt like capture and looked like my doom. But I’m still standing, still crying. 


But I left my anger back in Colorado and I’m not sad to be parted with it I just don’t know where to put my hands anymore. I lived in a beautiful reprieve of heaviness while in Texas, and truly it healed some still young part of my heart. But I cry an awful lot these days and often I’m not sure why. It feels awkward and uncomfortable, again.  


I’m more grateful than I have words for that I got to see my friends after so many years, but sometimes learning what you don’t have is worse than not having it. So these days I cry a lot and laugh a lot, and think too much about the future. 


And I can’t help but notice that I’ve done so much of this, felt these feelings, lived these things before, and I’m doing it again. It’s again again again, and I don’t what to be stuck in this tail spin. But I made myself some tea, and I watched the snow fall, and it led my heart back into my chest. Where it sat down cried while it slept. 


I don’t yet know what the future will hold, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it despite my impatience. But I’m just gonna do my best to arrive to my future intact and as whole as I can. But today all I can think to do is watch the snow fall and hope I’m doing my best, to hope I really did leave my anger back in those hills by my friends house. To hope that tomorrow, will be better than the last.   

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