Mountain High, Valley Low

The creative process is wild. Much like life it is full of mountain tops high and valleys low. The highs feel like swimming amongst the cosmos and the lows are a kin to bleeding out on the dirt floor in the centre of hell. It’s intense and dramatic, and honest. 

The creative process is not for the faint of heart. And I could say I wish someone had warned me, but they did. Every step of the way they tired to convince me that life would be easier if I took the past most walked. And every day of my life I stood in defiance choosing to die on this hill, ready to make my way as an artist if it killed me. There was no amount of convincing, no thing that could have been said to me that would have warned me off living the creative process. I’m too stubborn. 

So this was how I felt on Tuesday, and Monday, and it was very intense. I had hit a roadblock, a challenge and a speed bump that I had not anticipated. I was on my usual kick and grind trying to write my book and it just wasn’t working. I’ve dreamed up, plotted, and schemed this exciting complex complicated story that spans four books, and I feel very strongly about it. To make it as an artist you have to have an amount and strength of confidence and belief in yourself that is absurd and borders on looking like arrogance. So when I say I have a stupidly strong belief that this story will be extraordinary, I really mean that is looks stupid how strongly I feel about this. It’s this burning need to do it right. I have to do it justice. I know myself well enough and am humble enough to know that this need to do it right and justice, isn’t born of perfectionism, its born of excellence and love. And truly I’ve found myself lacking. 

Don’t get me wrong I am my own strongest critic, but this isn’t being hard on myself, this is knowing that this story is bigger than myself and I need to better my skills to be able to tell this story right. My fellow artists will know what I mean. It like when you can see exactly what the painting should look like, its so crystal clear in your head, but no matter what you do the brush strokes just don’t look right. So you go back to practicing the basics to sharpen you skills because there will be no rest for the dissatisfied artist. 

All that said I put the book down. I’m letting it sit, letting it stew, while I work on something else. It was a fight to let it go, I didn’t want to admit defeat. But eventually, after talking it through and processing it out twice with both my parents, who are my biggest fans and most loving friends, I let myself make a tactical retreat. I hit save and closed out of my documents and left it to age. 

It’s not a goodbye, its a see you later when I am good and ready to clime that mountain. Maybe it’ll be a month, maybe a year or six, but I will someday come back to this first love of mine, my first baby of a book and one day I will be able to do it justice. And the day will be so sweet. 

But for the time being I am working on a different project. I’ve picked up something completely different and strange where I can just go make a mess of it and see what worked and what didn’t. I’m just writing away without a great big plan, just a thought an idea and a feeling. Already I am in love with its whimsical absurdity. It is just a joy to write this character who looks a little like me and who isn’t quite as complex. 

There are some skills required to write a good book, and some I have figured out down to a science, but some I am clueless. I’m really great at fleshing out an idea, but I really kinda suck at dialogue. It’s just my frank assessment of myself and my skills. So I’m going to practice, I’ve set out with a plan in mind and willingness to look foolish and off and away I go. I started writing yesterday and I will continues on with the plan of no plan until it no longer works. Practice practice practice. 

Thanks for coming along on the journey of writing and my creative process. I hope this encourages you to feel your big feelings about your art and to then take them and do something with them. Work with yourself, not against. Happy creating and thanks for reading!