Weight

This week is about distractions. I’ve been so distracted as of late, getting sucked into tv and then distracted by all the different things I want to do on top of what I’m already doing. I’m in a great flow with writing the first draft of my book, but I find myself wanting to paint. I’m so deep in the creative process and in my own creative garden of ideas that one artistic discipline isn’t feeling like enough. It’s like the stronger I get the greater the weight needs to be to keep me tethered to the ground. 


Right now in terms of the book, I’m in the second act of the story. From what I can tell it will be comprised of three acts so I’m a third done. It’s crazy exciting, but talking about it feels like now I’m gonna be held accountable to finish the book. Which despite how intense that feels it’s good for me, I need a little pressure I guess. I also feel like I can’t write fast enough, I’ve gotten to the point where I know clearly where I’m going with this story and I can’t write fast enough to get to the end. I love editing, so I’m super excited to edit this story and make it look like I knew what I doing the whole time. ;) Anyway the book writing is going great and I’m still having so much fun with the character and her story. 


Being on this creative high is leaving me feeling like I need weights tied to my feet so I don’t flout away. So high in the clouds I can’t see the waves crashing. My art studio, the space I have to paint in and such, is in the basement, there’s no windows. So there’s no natural light and isn’t enough light as a whole and with spring chumping at the heels I want to sit in the sun more than anything. My desire to see the sun is winning out against my desire to paint. I probably need to not make excuses and just bring a canvas upstairs. I’ve got two ideas sitting on top of my head, one that’s partially started already and one that I have a dumb little sketch in my phone of. 


So distractions, as an artist who works is multiple different mediums and outlets I have to have a balance of where I put my time. Because I am completely self disciplined and self “employed” I don’t have any deadlines or days to meet other than what I self impose. Some days that’s great, the freedom feels like clean air, but other days it can feel suffocating because I will rise or fall upon my own sword. It is a lot of responsibility but I also walked into this with my eyes wide open so I can’t and won’t complain, just be honest about the weight. 


I’ve been distracted, I get sucked into the tv and it takes me way too long to get away from it. But I get sucked in because it’s easier than walking about the hard things flying around my personal life. The tv watching is just my way of hiding. But I said that I felt like I was failing at life and as an adult and my younger brother said to me that it’s just a different way of life. My younger brother, the last person who I thought got it, seems to get that the way I choose to do things is different not bad. So I don’t feel like I’m failing but I am easily distracted and my attention is easily swayed. 


It takes boundaries and discipline to walk away from the distractions and chose focus. I didn’t know what I was going to write about this week for the blog but all it took me was a few minutes for the light bulb to come on about how distracted I’ve been. Not so distracted that I haven’t written over 3,000 words in the book, just enough to know I could have written 2,000 on top of that. 


In all honesty I’m in a good place with my art and that feels weird to say and I’m not convinced I know how to talk about it yet. But this is my best attempt and it could be so much worse. So if you need encouragement here’s what I have to say, push until it almost hurts and then keep at the pace that is sustainable for you. I didn’t get to this place by not working on it all and I didn’t get to this place without sweat, tears, and blood, it takes work but it’s worth it. 

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