Time and Light Switches

So it’s been a week, a week since I wrote anything. I said I was going to take a few days off, 4 or 5, now it’s been 7. Taking a break, for me anyways, can be a bit of a trap. Because now coming back to the land of sentences and paragraphs is daunting. However there are positives that have come out of this little vacation. I managed to get some more work done on a painting, which is taking me a very long times to get through, and I now feel happy about starting back in on my book, probably come Monday.   My heart has felt rested enough to be able to paint again, no anxiety no stress, just brush and canvas. I’ve noticed that I can be a bit all or nothing, I’ll finish a painting in one sitting, or it will take me months. This one is taking my months, and when I eventually finish it I’ll tell you the story, but until then it's just for me.  I’m apprehensively excited to get back into the book. I’ve accepted that it will take near miracle to meet my self imposed deadline and s...

Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Repeating the same thing over and over again, add a new scratch mark every rotation. Talking about the book I give no further details to, about a self imposed deadline, about how I keep leaving and returning to painting.   I think because more than anything, writing this blog, is accountability. Am I really being creative, I am really exercising my creativity, am I truly being active in creativity in my life? The honest answers right now, today, this week, this month, has been not really. Not even a resounding no, just not really.  I thought perhaps I hit the bottom of the barrel, the limit of how much my creativity I have to give, I think I just hit the limit of my capacity for creative outlet. I think my creative bone is just plain tired. The battery isn’t out of juice, it’s just strained. I’m not completely out of juice, just fatigued from giving out. I’ve been going hard after it since January, without taking more than a weekend b...

Balance, you need it to walk in a straight line, and you need it to lead a healthy life. Between mental heath, physical heath, and spiritual health there has to be a balance.   It’s been a slow walk to take good care of my body. It doesn’t come easy to me, it requires me think, be completely on top of myself. It’s the first thing to go when I get lazy or get lonely. But physical health at least is pretty straight forward, there’s no vipers waiting in the grass, no real pitfalls to watch for.  Mental and spiritual health however are beasts of a different nature. If you can get a handle on the spiritual side it’s not as hard to hold onto, but mental health? Mental health, which is a lot like emotional health, that is where the true battle lies for me. It may come easier to me, but knowing all the right answers gets me in just as much trouble as forgetting them.  People say your 20s are about finding yourself, so far I’ve spent every waking moment just trying to learn ...

  Every time I return to my easel it feels like a miracle. Like a magical occurrence of returning to a place I never thought I’d see again. Every brushstroke settles a rattling in my chest. It feels like a gift, shinny and tied up with string. I’m at peace.   I haven’t been able to paint much, not in the last year or so. I’ve picked up a brush yeah but I haven’t really painted. Painted where it comes tumbling out, like stumbling into bed at night, honest and sure of foot. I started to come back a little while ago, but I hadn’t been truly been back till now.  I began with a painting that I’ve needed to paint for years, a letting go of dreams lost, and I’m not quite finished but I feel ready now. This week I finally stopped with the excuses too. Got my but up out of my chair and poured my heart out into the paint. Felt good, like being washed by the waves.  Yes, I finished an entire series of paintings last year, and I’m happy I took on the challenge, but it ha...