Rest On Purpose

Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Repeating the same thing over and over again, add a new scratch mark every rotation. Talking about the book I give no further details to, about a self imposed deadline, about how I keep leaving and returning to painting. 


I think because more than anything, writing this blog, is accountability. Am I really being creative, I am really exercising my creativity, am I truly being active in creativity in my life? The honest answers right now, today, this week, this month, has been not really. Not even a resounding no, just not really. 


I thought perhaps I hit the bottom of the barrel, the limit of how much my creativity I have to give, I think I just hit the limit of my capacity for creative outlet. I think my creative bone is just plain tired. The battery isn’t out of juice, it’s just strained. I’m not completely out of juice, just fatigued from giving out. I’ve been going hard after it since January, without taking more than a weekend break, I think its caught up to me.


I wouldn’t call is burnout, not really, it’s not that bad yet. I’ve been writing heavy handed for nearly five months, which for me is more than a record. I had five months where I was happiest doing my “work,” writing, and now I just want to rest. I’ve gone from total and complex apathy, to driven focus beyond compare, I think it’s given me whiplash. 


When I was away, across the water, I had a mentor who told me something that has stuck with me ever since. She said, “You are learning how to live, and that is no small thing.” I had never felt so seen before that moment, learning to live, it was big. 


So sometimes I forget how far I’ve come, all the hard work I’ve done. That was close to 4 or 5 years ago now, and I’ve grown much since. 


So I don’t know what I’m gonna do, don’t know what need to change, or how to course correct, or what exactly I can do to fix what isn’t exactly broken, but I’ll let you know when I figure it out. Part of the process is honesty, and another is rest, and I’m being honest when I saw I don’t know how to rest this part. 


My whole life my problem has been that I haven’t had enough creative outlet. It’s part of why I paint and write. But now I’ve hit a point where my brain is empty, and its not a bad empty, at least it wasn’t before. Now its a little be concerning, I know I’m alright, truly I think I’m fine, I just think the balance is a little off somewhere. 


This one is gonna take me time. It’s time I’d rather spend getting my stuff done and accomplishing my goals, but its about balance and a sustainable liveable life. So it’s gonna take me time, time to fully understand what’s gone askew and what I need to do to fix it. 


My grand plan, my only semblance of a plan, is to take an extra long weekend 4-5 days off of writing on purpose. Not an inconvenient forced break but something I do on purpose, see if it helps. It’s not the story’s fault, it’s the wiring in my brain and the building of muscles. 


So I’m going to rest of purpose and I’ll check back in next week to tell you if it helped. Thanks for reading with me and thanks for sticking around. Think of this as your reminder to have a real check in with yourself and see how’s its all going and if anything needs extra attention. Thanks again, and I’ll see you again next week :)

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