softly, into 23 softly

Yesterday I turned 23. Feels like an impossible number, other people turn 23 and I go on existing ageless. But all the same yesterday was my 23rd birthday. It comes around every year and shoves me into a closet of refection. The joke goes, was it really your birthday if you didn’t cry, must not have been my birthday this year. First year in I don’t know how long where I did not cry or poopoo getting older. Took looking ahead a year to where I’ll be 24 and then back again to being 22 to decide that yeah 23 is the right age for me to be. 


All last year my thing that I would say was I’m only 22 I’m still figuring it out. 23 feels too old to keep using the excuse, but my word for this year is softy. I had a soft birthday, where I went to the bookstore and ate dinner with my parents. It was soft. So I’ve entered 23 softy and that’s what I intend to do with my year, be soft. Don’t mistake soft for lazy or uninterested, softly is still action its just soft. 


I can be sort of weird and wiggly about milestones, like birthdays or anniversaries, and it’s not because I don’t like celebrations. I quite love celebrations. No I get odd about milestones because    for however a fleeting moment I’ll wonder about how exactly I made it here. But the older I get the happier I am to get older. Its counter to what most people feel I think, but to me it’s one step closer to the age I feel inside. 


I realized this morning that no one sung me happy birthday, still had cake and a few gifts and many a wished birthday, but no song. And I found that I did not mind that the song was missing, being an introverted avoider of attention the lack of birthday song almost felt like a gift itself. I spent the day doing things I love and being a bit self indulgent. Watched a movie in the morning and drifted from room to room with absolutely no hurry. I enjoyed my slow soft day and I think I will continue the tradition of having soft days as a reflection of celebration. 


I am not truly a great big loud personality, though sometimes I can be and my brothers will be rolling their eyes right about now if they’re reading. But really I find joy and fulfilment in being at peace. So somedays and one days, I’ve enjoyed the larger exciting parties but this year I find love in the centre of peace. 


When I think back to why I started writing and journaling so intently it was because I wanted to remember. I have short term memory loss, so I forget a lot of things if I don’t active try to remember them. So when I was 18 I started writing down as much as possible, of any and everything I could remember of my days no matter how boring. So if one day I loose this mind of mine I’ll have more than a few somethings to tell me the memories. 


The 23rd birthday was a beautiful soft day that I would not trade away for all the gold in the world. I was and am thankful that I had the absolute blessing of spending my birthday with my parents, and maybe that’s not how your supposed to spend your 20’s. But one day when I’m 50 or 70 I’ll be grateful that I’ve had the time I’ve had. 

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