wonder, ponder

I don’t have much to say about this week or the creative process. I’ve been resting. After finishing my first draft and now waiting for my beta readers feedback I’m just hanging around. Life carries on even when I sit down, so I’ve been cleaning and running around catching up on some life stuff. But under all that I’m starting to feel itchy and twitchy, I want to paint. 


I’ve started to have ideas churring around in the back of my mind, sharp brushstrokes and bold colours. Makes me excited to get back into it but also I’m not quite sure where to start. It feels like I’ve been around this bend a time or ten. 


I’ve been living in revolt and desperate longing when it comes to painting. Living in it for years now. And lately I’ve been pondering, wondering, if it might be time to give it up. If I could, give it all away, would it bring me peace? To leave it in the past, would I be able to sleep? Would the revolt of truly leaving it to wither and die, would it give me peace? 


Oh but the other side of the coin, if I chase after the longing, like crashing through a wall, would the grass be greener? Could I come back to this, am I even able to re-enter this form of story telling? Am I still worthy? 


I don’t know who I am if I am not a painter, but maybe that means it’s time to let it go. Or maybe its time to be serious and really take the time to be invested in my painting. I don’t have the answers. I think I’m thinking about it too hard, but that’s all I know how to do when it comes to this. But I know this one thing, I’ll give it one more shot. Just at least one more try. I can’t bear to part with it all today, but I’m sure I ought not to leave it this close to my heart either. 


It feels like returning to a place maybe I ought not to be. Maybe that’s the ghosts though. I’ve been so many different people over the ages, each one more grown than the last and now have truly left me. So maybe it’s the ghosts hanging around, weighting me down, making the paint brushes just a little too heavy. 

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