as long as

I doubt myself. As I edit my book and work on my story, I doubt myself, doubt that I have anything truly worth saying. That perhaps I’m not good enough. That maybe the story I’ve written isn’t worth telling. It’s an honest part of the work, being your own worst critic. But then right before it can turn terminal I remember that if I find value in it, if the story means something to me then there must be at least one other person who will as well. I’m not unique enough to be the only one touched by my words. 


Doubt is okay as long as you let it go. It always shows up to tell you something. Maybe its just there to poke at your wounds, but maybe it’s there to make you believe in yourself. I’m allowed to doubt myself as long as I turn around and doubt the doubt. Maybe I’m not enough, but maybe I am. Maybe my story isn’t all that great, but maybe it will mean something to someone. Maybe the story is too soft, but maybe the world needs more kindness and more gentle hearts. 


Softly, is what I told myself when I turned 23 and that starts with how I speak to myself. I’m allowed to think my story is little as long as I remember it has big heart. If I can remember the amount of tears shed to get to this point I have a harder time belittling myself. 


Believing no one will understand me or my art is a symptom of hubris. It says I am too different to be understood by my fellow humans, who also live here on this earth and in these changing times. Really if I think no one will like my story then I am both being too hard on myself and thinking too highly of myself. It’s a humbling thought. 


So yes, maybe it won’t be the most eloquent or well rounded well written thing of my life, I am only 23 after all. But I live here and that means I’m allowed as many go’s at this thing called life as I can muster the courage for. One day I’ll write something even better, more beautiful and more intelligent, but I have to start somewhere. No amount of editing and revising will ever make it perfect, such is the way of human artistry and that is what makes it beautiful. 

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 16, 2023 at 8:11 PM

    SR Very well said
    I also proud of you. Nana

    ReplyDelete

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