i don't remember 6

I don’t remember being 6,

I remember being 5

and I remember 7


But I don’t remember being 6,

I think I was just 5 twice,

because maybe I had gone around the sun 6 times 

but it felt more like 5 + 1. 


and I remember 8





I remember 8

and some days I wish I didn’t. 


I think I was always going to end up like this.

someone who counts age by the degree and atrophy of my soul,

not the trips around the sun.


Because I’ve felt old for far longer than I’ve been it,

and I’m not old yet

not really


I remember 18 really well,

remember that it bled into 19 like cheep paint

and that I hadn’t felt that alive since I was 5. 


I remember 20, and 21, and 22

God I remember 22 like it was my best friend 

and I never forgot the names of my two best friends from my first day in kindergarten. 

Even though its been close to decades

since last I saw or heard tale of them.

I hope they’re well.


I remember far more than I give credit to.

I still see the faces those I was in private school with,

can almost recount all their names.

Sometimes I pull out their memories just so I don’t forget. 

I still wonder where they ended up,

if they’re okay

and if they made it.  


I think when they said you’re your own worst critic 

worst enemy 

they may have seen forward in time and 

seen my face

seen how I’d end up. 


Because 

I don’t remember being 6,

but,

I remember my friends. 

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