can't help the weeping

 ~~~~~

April feels centuries past,

it hath departed from me

and left me sad

and wanting. 


I am not as I once was,

what I may have been,

what I may have liked,

or hated.


It’s not the same

and some its for joy

and some for sorrow. 


I wasn’t made for this life,

if I had to guess.

But I didn’t make me 

so maybe I don’t get a say,

maybe I was

even though I don’t feel it


I’m too soft

feeble, fallible 

too easy hurt and bruised,

I use too many bandaids. 


How I got to be here 

I do not know,

its understanding escapes me

and I can’t help the weeping


The longing for trees,

for the ocean,

for my companions 

I left behind

whom I abandoned 


I am sorry 

I did not choose this

and yet I did (make a lier of myself)

and I can’t help the weeping. 


It’s not how it ought to be

not how I expected 

or intended 

and I can’t help the weeping. 


April is gone and dead

till next turn about the sun,

and I am not okay

not okay at all

and I wish for home


A home I’ve not known

and may not ever see

but should He stay with me

I shall stay to Him

and then

only then

might I find some hope

some love and solace. 


The wind has come knocking

and I have answered 

for better or worse

the storm is here

and raging 

we will not be the same

won’t walk away from this one,

perhaps dance.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

september 1st

September 1st, its the beginning of things. It’s the beginning of the end of the year. At least in my head September has always felt like the beginning of the end. I’m happy to know that the sweltering heat is nearly past and its almost sweater time. I like the fall, mostly because it feels like the rest before the rest, it feels like the closest to what my heart looks like, but partly I like the fall because I like the word falling.   This week I did what I could, which doesn’t look like much but I ate well and washed my face often and I tried.  I got back into the studio yesterday and was immediately overwhelmed. To start with my work space was a mess, as it has been for months, and finally yesterday was the day I couldn’t take it anymore and tidied up the table that serves as my workstation. It was probably 20 minutes of finding homes for things and trying to remember how I had had it organized in the first place. But it was 20 minutes well spent, because at end not eve...
Read more

Learning

Over the years I’ve learned many things about myself and how I function. For example: if I need to force myself to wash my face I put on make up, because I figured out that the need to not sleep in my make up supersedes my laziness. I’ve discover lots of what I call hacks in my own functioning. As I’ve written about before I grew up struggling with depression, so one of my biggest challenges, even when I don’t feel depressed, is to get motivated. So I’ve found some of my own personal quirks that I can almost trick myself into doing the healthy things instead of relying completely on motivation. This is also true when it comes to my art.   I’ve learned that I can’t sit in my studio for hours on end, the most productive and best work is done in the first and second hour. Anything more and I start to get too into my head. I also need to have somewhat of a plan before I even walk down the stairs. Otherwise I get overwhelmed just looking at all that I could do, or I start random proje...
Read more

Almost There

Nowadays it is the norm to go to collage or university even when you don’t know what you want to do. It’s preached go to school and figure it out while you’re there. It’s taught that your job is your life and it is all you really ought to try to achieve. Even as young as 14 this didn't sit right with me, I always dodged the questions. What do you want to be, what school do you want to go to, what would you like to do with your life. Because I learned from a young age that artist wasn’t the answer that they were looking for.   I learned to fly under the radar because I knew my dream would be easily crushed, but I am stubborn. So I did my best in school and then I made my great escape. Now almost five years later I am about 3 steps away from achieving what I set out to do.  I have about three things felt to do and then I will not just be an artist who makes things frequently, I will be one who sells these things too. I have an 8 painting series ready to be sold, and that is...
Read more